


Trains Passing in the Night

by ToshiChan



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Squip, Angst, Gay Character, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, POV Michael, POV Outsider, Platonic Relationships, Recovery, References to Depression, Suicide Attempt, platonic boyf riends - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-06-27 19:33:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15691965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToshiChan/pseuds/ToshiChan
Summary: There's a boy. A boy in a red hoodie with headphones around his neck. He keeps appearing at the train station, with a look in eyes that suggests maybe, just maybe, he won't mind if he ends up under the wheels of one of the trains.





	Trains Passing in the Night

**Author's Note:**

> Some context. There's no Squip in this. Instead, Jeremy starts to teach himself to be cool via internet advice sites. He ignores Michael and hangs with the others which ends up making him kinda depressed bc he misses his best bud, and then at the party, Michael calls Jeremy out on the fact that he's not happy, so Jeremy lashes out at him.

Being a security guard at a train station was not necessarily a heroic job. Much of what went down on a day to day basis contained little drama. The job of a security guard was to be there on the one day that things went wrong. The build up to that one day left little to be desired. Still, things did happen. There were...not better days. But there were days that were a little more exciting than others, if that was the right way to put it. There were days that something would happen, and Alex would get to make a difference. 

Alexander Marley had grown up as a protector. It was in his very nature. All his life, he had looked out for others. Average high school grades coupled with this primal need need to defend and protect had led to a job in security. Specifically, a job in security at a train station in New Jersey. It was a social job, one that Alex enjoyed, even on the longer days. ALex had found his place in society. He was able to use the power he had to be there for others.

That included the boy in the red hoodie. 

Alex started to notice the boy in the hoodie at the beginning of Autumn one year. He stood out to the security guard for a few reasons.

One, he was always wearing the trademark red hoodie that led to his, admittedly, uncreative nickname. It was big and baggy and covered in patches. New patches would appear all the time and others would disappear. But there was one that always remained. The rainbow flag patch. That one was a constant. Alex had recognised it right away, having many friends within that community. The patch had made Alex perk right up and pay attention, knowing that the patch may have resulted in the boy being targeted by homophobic assholes. Luckily, this was never the case.

The second reason that Alex had found himself constantly aware of the red clad boy was the fact that he was always around. Like, always. Alex had spotted him one day and then he never stopped spotting him. The boy was almost always at the station, and since he was hard to miss, Alex noticed him whenever he was hanging around. He’d show up in the mornings sporadically and more regularly in the afternoon. Of course, Alex had days off but he was certain that the boy would have shown up on those days as well. 

The third and final reason that had made Alex stand up and take notice was that the boy, the boy with the patch covered red hood and the headphones, had never caught a train.

Not once.

All he did was hang around, staring wistfully at the trains coming and going, like he wanted to ride them but didn’t have any money to do so. At least, that’s what Alex had thought initially after realising that the teenager was going to be a common sight during his shifts. It was a little weird though, because he had to buy a ticket or scan his card before stepping onto the various platforms, so he was just paying to stand around. Still, Alex stuck with his initial theory. But the longer the boy kept coming, eyes wide and wistful behind his glasses, the more Alex begun to worry.

Because, there was another reason that someone would regularly appear at a train station with no apparent reasons in catching one.

Alexander Marley, licensed security guard and certified mother hen, suspected that the boy in the red hood was intending to jump in front of one of the trains. 

It had started off as a stupid idea that Alex had scolded himself for even thinking. But the days kept on passing and the boy kept showing up, looking sadder and sadder each time. Then, Alex had no choice but to reconsider the whole jumper idea. Surely he wouldn’t. Only, a little part of Alex said that he would. He’d seen that look that red hoodie boy in his eyes in the eyes of his own friends. He recognised it. 

He knew what a person who’d given up on everything looked like. 

He saw the slumped shoulders, dark bags under his eyes, the restless expression, the hesitant little steps. Alex saw it all and more. 

It made him want to do something. It made him want to help.

* * *

Michael couldn’t be sure why he’d started coming to the train station. He’d ended up there one day after Jeremy had totally blanked him at school and then had kept going back. He’d taken comfort in the way the trains kept arriving and leaving no matter what happened. He liked to watch other people bustle about, caught up in something Michael couldn’t begin to understand. He liked the idea of having an easy way out if things ever got too much to handle.

Which they were, right now. 

Everything had been building up for the past few weeks. That might have sounded like a quick descent into depression but it wasn’t really. Michael had always been a sensitive boy, and a deep thinker. He questioned everything and was never able to calm his brain down when it got going with all the self-deprecating thoughts. He kept his self-doubt and gloomy thoughts buried under a thick layer of cheer and positivity. He maintained the chill aura through close contact with Jeremy, playing video games, getting high, regular slushies from Seven-Eleven and spending time with his mums. But...everything was slipping away. The boy he loved more than anything in the entire world was ignoring him, after telling Michael only a few days before that he was never going to leave him. 

Jeremy had left Michael to tread water in the turbulent waters of high school and Michael was slowly but surely losing his strength. His other coping methods were losing their worth, becoming stale and worthless. He felt more lonely than words could ever be able to describe. A dark, heavy cloud hung over him, and yet nobody could see it. Michael started going through the motions with little care for anything else. He stopped playing video games, neglected his homework and found himself suddenly repulsed by slushies. A dark hole had opened up inside him and nothing was ever going to fill it again.

The train station was the only place Michael felt vaguely alive, and that was only because he was so close to death. 

He planned it carefully.

After regularly visiting the train station, Michael decided the best time to put an end to his misery was later at night, when there was nobody around to potentially stop his death. Any passengers that were hanging around would be older and tired after long days. He didn’t want any parents with their kids to be traumatised by the sight of his body colliding violently with a train. Michael had picked out the furthest platform as the one he would jump from. It was much darker further back in the station, and was pretty much out of sight. There was a security guard stationed in the venue but Michael figured he wouldn’t pay much attention to a lone figure in a red hood.

The only thing Michael was waiting for was a reason to not do it. Part of him wanted to call the whole plan off, laugh it off as a stupid idea that he’d made under the influence of pot. Michael sort of liked the idea of someone noticing how depressed he’d become and persuade him to get help. He wanted that person to be Jeremy. He wanted Jeremy to stop climbing his way up the social ladder and join Michael at the bottom. 

But that was selfish, and if there was one thing Michael hated to be, it was selfish. 

Then, a reason came.

Not a reason to ditch the whole train jumping plan, but rather, a reason to stop putting it off and just fucking do it already.

_ “Get out of my way...loser.” _

_ Panic! _

_ Tears. _

_ Knocking. _

_ Pressure building up. _

_ A singular thought, swamping all common sense. _

_ “I wish I’d offed myself instead. I wish I was never born.” _

Michael had left the halloween party after that, dashing through the crowds of people before they could ask him what was wrong His eyes were still red from the tears that wouldn’t stop coming as he made his way back home. His mums were still up when he entered through the back door, watching a horror movie on the couch together. Hanging on the wall behind them was a picture of the three of them out to dinner. Michael was squished between them, smiling so hard it must have hurt. His mums were both kissing him on the head, eyes alight with love.

They would miss him. Michael knew that. And yet he still had to do it. Once again, he was being selfish. 

“I…” He went to say something. A final goodbye that would reassure him in the days, months, years to come. But the words wouldn’t come. They didn’t even hear him. Michael didn’t even hear himself. He walked down to the basement and ditched the creeps jumper for his usual red hoodie. He pondered going back upstairs to try talking to his mums again, but decided not to. Instead, he found a notepad in the basement and wrote a letter. He left it folded on the old coffee table, and then left the house altogether. His destination?

The train station.

* * *

It had been a long day and Alex was barely awake as he watched the final commuters for the night wait around for their trains. He’d offered to cover a shift for a sick coworker but he was seriously regretting the act of generosity. He’d worked the past five days and was all but dead on his feet. Alex was a little ashamed at his tired state. It wouldn’t have surprised him if he missed a crime going down right in front of him.

A train pulled into the station, engine roaring briefly before it settled down and opened its doors. The loud noise managed to wake Alex up, just in time for him to see the boy in the red hoodie hurry past. The hood was up but Alex managed to snatch a glance of his face. His eyes were swollen and red, most likely due to tears. His entire body was shaking as he ventured further into the station. Alex stood there for a moment, his tired brain scrambling to comprehend the sight.

Then the pieces clicked together and Alex was suddenly wide awake. His entire body was yelling at him to move. He took a few steps forward, saw the red hoodie boy pass by three trains and keep going. Why was he ignoring them? Wasn’t he…? Alex looked around frantically and saw the giant board that displayed the arrival and departure times for the trains. There was a train departing from the end platform in about a minute. Alex’s heart sunk as he made the final connection.

Then he was running.

**...**

Michael started to move faster when the train came into sight. There it was, engine rumbling as it powered up in preparation of its journey. A flash of guilt struck Michael as he realised what he was about to do was going to hold up everything. A bunch of people were going to be delayed in getting home. The guilt faded though, as Michael got closer. Soon, the only thing on his mind was what he was about to do.

He broke into a run.

**...**

Alex had never ran so fast in his life. As his feet pounded on the concrete, he cursed how damned big the train station was. He was aware of every second ticking away, every little bit of lost time that might result on Alex failing to save the boy in the red hood.

He gritted his teeth and put on an extra burst of speed. 

**...**

The train started to pull out of the station. Michael could feel tears running down his cheeks as he got closer and closer. It was going to be over. He just had to keep moving and then he would never have to feel so horrible ever again. The pain he was in, it hurt so much. Michael couldn’t wait for it to end.

Just a little closer.

**...**

Alex could see him now, just up ahead. The security guard was covering more ground with each step than the boy was. Maybe he was faster on better days, but it looked like he was crying. That probably wasn’t doing anything for his pace. Alex offered up a quick thanks for the circumstances that were allowing him to catch up. But the train...it was moving. And the teenager was closer than Alex was. He almost screamed.

Alex was going to fail.

**...**

Michael closed his eyes for a brief second and when he opened them, he knew it was time. He took a few final steps and then jumped…

**...**

Alex cursed as the boy jumped and lunged, hands outstretched…

**...**

Michael fell through the air, entire body tense as he waited for the pain that…

**...**

Alex reached desperately, feeling for the red hood that had drawn him to the boy in the first place. His empty hands waited to be filled, and then…

**...**

The pain that…

**...**

He felt…

**...**

The pain that never came.

**...**

He felt soft material and he pulled. Alex fell back, fingers fisted tightly in what he knew to be a red hoodie belonging to one very depressed boy. The sudden weight of another person in his grasp had Alex overbalancing and he toppled to the ground. The teenager landed on him. For a second, the two just lay there, adjusting to everything. Neither could quite believe what had just happened, both for different reasons. 

Alex recovered first. He sat up, looking down at the boy he’d just saved who was slumped over him, body limp. The guard tool note of how harsh his breathing sounded and how rapidly his body was shaking. He was probably going into to shock. 

“Hey, kid.” Alex gave him a gentle shake. The boy didn’t respond. His eyes fluttered shut and the shaking became more violent. Alex wiggled out from underneath the teen, laying him down and removing his coat to place over him. As he did so, Alex became aware of the crowd that was slowly gathering, drawn in by the horror of what had nearly happened. 

“What can I do?”

“Did you get that on film?”

“Was he really going to jump?”

The words meant nothing to Alex. The only thing he cared about was helping the kid. The kid with the red hoodie with the patches. The one who a few months ago, at the beginning of August, had appeared at the train station and then had never stopped coming. The one who had been so close to dying in such a horrible, violent way. 

Alex took a breath, and then another. He almost couldn’t believe that he’d made it in time. He didn’t want to imagine what would have happened if he hadn’t. 

“I’m calling an ambulance.” He told the gathered crowd. “Please, step back and give the boy some space.”

“He’s not hurt.” A man in a smart looking suit commented.

“So? He’s going into shock. He nearly jumped in front of a train. He needs to go to hospital.” Alex said firmly. “I’m going to ask again. Step away from the boy.”

“Michael…”

“Huh?” Alex spun on his foot and stared down at the red hoodie boy looking up at him, looking so small and fragile under Alex’s jacket.

“My name’s Michael.” The boy mumbled. “Michael Mell. The paramedics will need to know. I’m allergic to penicillin. I’m on antidepressants. My cellphone is in my pocket. There’s no password so they can use that to call my mums.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Alex frowned.

“Because I’m about to pass out.” Alex could have sworn that Michael smiled, small and brief as it was. “And they need to know all that information.”

Then his eyes fluttered closed again and his shaking stopped as he gave into the darkness. 

Alex shuddered. It almost looked like Michael Mell had given up and died. Shaking that thought off, Alex fumbled for his phone and made the call.

* * *

In a regular house in a regular neighbourhood, a phone rang. A tired woman stumbled over the phone and answered. Whatever she got told, it managed to wake her up instantly. In seconds, she was waking up another woman and they were racing to get dressed, searching for car keys and knotting shoelaces. A glass shattered when one of the women knocked it over in her search for a pill bottle. Both ladies ignored the dangerous shards and kept getting ready. It was understandable, though.

They’d just been told their baby boy was in hospital after a failed suicide attempt. 

The first woman ventured down into the basement in search of comforting things to bring her child. It was there that she found the note. It was then that she finally started to cry.

* * *

_ Mum, mama… _

_ I love you both very much. I’m sorry that I’m being so selfish. I believe I’m doing the right thing. This isn’t your fault. It isn’t Jeremy’s. It isn’t anybody’s but my own. _

_ I hope you understand. _

_ Do you remember when we went to the Philippines? That was the best time of my life. I’ll see you there again one day. _

_ Love Michael. _

* * *

Michael wasn’t sure what to think, as the days went by and he remained in the hospital, answering the same questions over and over again and taking the same pills that were meant to control the chemicals in his brain that had turned against him. He’d failed in something he’d been so determined to do and was forced to live in the aftermath of it. His mum and mama were devastated. They couldn’t look at him without crying, with him and for him. Michael wasn’t sure he was at the point where he regretted what he’d done yet, but he knew it would probably come soon. He was seeing the reaction they would have had if the phone call the hospital had made to them was actually to report his death and it was hurting him. His mothers barely left him alone, too afraid of what might happen when they turned their backs. Relatives he hadn’t spoken too in forever were ringing up to offer support.

He was being showered in constant love, and yet it still wasn’t enough. Because he’d been so close to stopping the pain, and now he was feeling said pain even worse. And because… Jeremy didn’t know. Which meant he couldn’t be there with Michael. Though...would he have even wanted to be there? He’d made it pretty clear on Halloween that he thought Michael was beneath him. Would he go back on that if he’d known what it had driven Michael to do? Would it be worse if he did go back on it, just because he felt bad?

If Jeremy rejected him again, would Michael find another way and make sure it worked this time?

“Can I go home soon?” He asked a nurse one day. The longer he stayed at the hospital, the more he got worked up. He hated the smell of the chemicals, the constant checkups, the student doctors who asked him questions in order to look good for their superiors.

“Soon, sweetie.” She assured him. “Once we have a care plan in place.”

“A care plan?”

“A system to stop you from ever getting to this point again. Medication, support systems, therapy, things like that.” She adjusted the covers of his bed absently and swung the tray table round to place his lunch on it. “By the way, visiting hours have started. You have a few people who want to see you today. But your mums asked me to check with you about who you want to see.”

“Who are they?” Michael asked, fear hitting him harder than the train would have, if that was believable.

“There’s a boy named Jeremy Heere.”

“I don’t want to see him.” Michael said immediately. The nurse nodded.

“And there’s a man named…”

* * *

“Alexander Marley.” Alex introduced himself properly to Michael Mell, the boy he had pulled back from certain death. “But you can call me Alex. You probably don’t remember me.”

“I do.” Michael interrupted. He was sitting up in a hospital bed, wearing pale pajamas that contrasted with the signature red hoodie he had over his shoulders. The rainbow patch was there as always, loud and proud. “You stopped me from killing myself.”

Alex flinched. “I’m not here to apologise.”

“I’d be a little worried if you were.” Michael joked weakly. The smile that surfaced looked genuine to Alex but he couldn’t be sure, considering he barely knew the kid. Trying to be subtle, Alex looked him up and down.

Michael had huge bags under his eyes, visible despite his tanned skin. His fingernails were chewed down to bare existence and he looked a little sick. He was sort of...ghost like. His face was gaunt as though he hadn’t been eating much. He was the very image of fragile, like a stiff breeze would have him falling to pieces. Still, he was alive and Alex could not be happier.

“Why the sudden visit?” Michael asked, tone light despite the nature of the question.

“I wanted to see how you were doing. I have a long enough break today to do that.” Alex said simply.

“Yeah, you saved my life.” Michael shrugged, looking away uncomfortably. “But you’re not obligated to look after me.” 

“I know.”

“So…”

“I told you. I wanted to see how you were doing.” Alex repeated. “I was worried about you. I wanted to see if you were doing better.”

“Define better.” Michael laughed again but this one was bitter.

“Do you think you’re doing better?” Alex re-phrased his statement as a question. Michael picked at the blanket on his bed, looking well and truly uncomfortable now. For a moment, Alex thought he wasn’t going to answer. 

“Maybe.” He said finally. “I think I’m about to get to the point where I start to regret trying to off myself. Cause of my mums and the rest of my family. They’re so damned upset, and I can’t imagine how worse it would have been if I had died. So yeah, I’m think I’m about to regret it. But then again, if Jere…um…that could change.”

“I see.” Alex politely ignored the verbal stumble.It was obviously a touchy subject and one that he was not qualified to bring up, in the sense that Michael barely knew him. “I’m glad you’re on your way to that point. Trust me, you’ll be glad you didn’t succeed.”

“Speaking from experience?” Michael raised an eyebrow.

“Not personal. But I have some friends.” Alex left it there, knowing Michael would understand.

The two entered into a somewhat comfortable silence, both unsure of what to say but content to wait until they could find something. Voices could be heard through the door but nobody disturbed their bubble of solitude. Surprisingly, it was Michael who spoke first, breaching the distance between them.

“Do you think people will hate me for wanting to die?” Michael asked nervously. “From your experience. Did you…you know, hate your friends?”

“Never.” Alex said firmly. “And if I’d ever found myself doing it, I would have hated myself more. So I’m certain no one will hate you, Michael. To do that would be cruel.”

“Yeah, well. People can be cruel.” Michael whispered. He shivered under the blankets, looking a little lost all of a sudden. Alex blinked in surprise.

“That they can.” He thought for a moment. Was that the reason Michael had ended up at the train station that night? Was Alex allowed to ask if it was?

“Why did you notice me?” Michael spoke again. “Why did you chase after me?”

“Has that been bugging you?” Alex pressed the tips of his fingers together.

“Yeah,” Michael snorted. “Constantly.”

“I noticed you all the time.” Alex said truthfully. “Just because you stood out in your red hoodie, and because you were always at the train station. Part of me was already afraid you were going to jump. So when I saw you that night, crying and very obviously about to do something terrible, I chased you down. I like to help people. Not for my sake. For theirs.”

“For mine…” Michael looked down, eyes sad behind his glasses. “I think I do to. But…if they don’t want your help?”

“Keep trying, is the simple answer.” Alex said thoughtfully. “But it can be hard. My friends are very stubborn when it comes to being helped. They’d lash out at me, try to push me away because they were scared I’d leave. They tried to wind me up on purpose, poke holes in all my defences. If I was going to leave, they said, it was going to be on their terms. So sometimes, people do bad things because they think there’s an inevitable that’s going to happen. Only that’s not up to them. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah.” Michael hummed. “I think it does.” Alex checked the time and frowned. His break was nearly up and yet he wanted to keep talking to Michael, who was so torn up inside and just needed someone with an unbiased outlook on his whole situation. But...being at work was what had saved Michael in the first place. So Alex would go. 

“Michael.” Alex stood up. “I’m sorry but I have to get going. Thank you for seeing me.”

“Thanks for coming.” Michael gave him a small smile. “It was really nice to meet you. Thanks for...what you did. And...thanks for talking to me like I’m a normal person.”

“You are a normal person.” Alex tried to assure him.

“Normal people don’t jump in front of trains.” Michael scoffed.

“Maybe.” Alex agreed. Then he smiled. “But you didn’t.”

And then he left.

He pretended he didn’t hear Michael yelling after him.

_ “Only because you saved me!” _

* * *

Michael sat and thought for what felt like ages after Alex left. In reality, it was only a few minutes. But it was enough time for an incredibly thoughtful boy to come to a few realisations. What Alex had said had had him thinking about Jeremy, and their fights about what the boy had been doing. There were some things that had become cleared. And now that they were, Michael had to talk with him. He just had to.

So he called the nurse back and told her that he’d changed his mind and wanted to see Jeremy after all, if he was still at the hospital. She laughed a little a this. 

“He said he’d wait. He wasn’t sure if you’d change your mind, but he said he’d wait as long as it would take if it meant he had even the slightest chance of seeing you.” She explained.

“He’s an idiot.” Michael said. It wasn’t a fond statement, but it was close. They had things to work out before that, though. 

He sat back and waited for the nurse to get Jeremy. He’d rather be about to have a talk in his basement instead of a hospital room but it would have to do. Michael couldn’t put off a talk like this. It had to happen. 

“Michael!” Jeremy burst through the door and then skidded to a stop at the sight of him. It looked like he was going to burst into tears. 

Michael sighed a little. “Don’t cry, Jeremy. I’m fine.”

“I know.” Jeremy shook his head a little. “That’s what everyone told me. But I couldn’t know that until I saw you for myself. And-and-and now I can.” He stumbled a little. “Thanks for…”

“You’re welcome, asshole.” Michael tried to be affectionate but his tone was bitter and Jeremy winced. “Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I don’t have a right to be mad if you did.” Jeremy rocked back and forth on his heels. Michael was about to ask him to sit down but Jeremy started pacing instead as he started to ramble. “I mean, I totally ditched you because I wanted to be cool. I left you behind in the gutter like you were a piece of trash and not my best friend of twelve years. I called you a loser when all you were doing was trying to ask me if I was okay, because I wasn’t okay and I didn’t want you to know, because then you’d have been right all along. And you were, you were right. Hanging out with Jake and Jenna and the others was fun and all, but I wasn’t being myself. I felt so fake and then I hated myself even more. And then...and then I heard about what you tried to do and I realised it was all my fault.”

“It wasn’t!” Michael cut in sharply. He shrunk back in alarm when Jeremy fixed him with a scalding look.

“It so was, Michael. You’d never have done it if I hadn’t left you.” He scuffed at the hospital linoleum with his sneaker. 

“Don’t give yourself all the credit.” Michael tried to joke. “Because if my mental health wasn’t involved, then I wouldn’t have felt the need to jump in front of a train when you left me. I’m to blame. I made the choice. You didn’t tell me to kill myself, Jer.”

“I told you to get out of my way.” Jeremy said mournfully. “And then you tried to.”

“No. I had a panic attack in a bathroom.” 

“Stop trying to joke. This isn’t funny!”

“You think I don’t know that.” Michael sat up straighter. “God, Jeremy, of course I know this isn’t funny. It’s my life! But I’m sick of how serious people are treating it. Sue me if I want to crack a few bad jokes. That’s what I do to cope, alright!”

Jeremy paused, looking guilt-stricken. Then, tentatively, he spoke. “You make bad jokes even when you don’t have to cope.”

Michael felt the laughter bubble up in him and he let it spill loose. “You’re one to talk.”

“Guess I am.” Jeremy said, a little sadly. “Look, Michael-”

“I wanna speak.” Michael cut him off. “Cause I’ve got some things to say. I just spoke to someone. Doesn’t matter who he is. But he talked to me about some things. And I’ve realised that what happened between us, it happened because you were scared. We both were. We were scared that one day, we wouldn’t have each other. We reacted to that in different ways. You tried to find other people, so they’d be there when I was gone. And I tried to...you know...because I didn’t want to live in such constant pain. It fucking sucks that you left me, and it’s gonna take a long time for me to forgive you, but I understand, Jeremy. I understand why you did the things you do. I’m sorry I was selfish. I should have made more of an effort to stop holding you back.”

“Michael Mell.” Jeremy was crying now. “You are many things. You’re an amazing video gamer and an avid lover of slushies. You’re the kind of person to tell so many bad jokes but I’ll still laugh at them. You’re just so many things. But selfish isn’t one of them. If anything, I was the selfish one.”

“A little bit.” Michael conceded. “But don’t they say that suicide is the most selfish thing of all.”

“I hate that.” Jeremy finally flopped into a chair. “Sure, you end up leaving people and it sucks. But it’s about you, and no one else. Sorry, that doesn’t make sense.”

“I get it.” Michael said, because he did. 

“Michael.” Jeremy rubbed at his eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I’m never going to stop being sorry. Alright?”

“Alright.” Michael knew it was pointless to argue.

“I know you’ll tell me it wasn’t my fault, but I won’t be able to stop thinking it was. If not fully, than at least partly. I ditched you at the first chance for popularity. I should have taken you with me.”

“I’d have hated it.” Michael pointed out.

“Maybe.” Jeremy hummed a little. “Honestly, I think you’d like the others. They’re...different to what the seem at first.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it.”

“Yeah.” Jeremy smiled suddenly. “Because you’ll get to do that. Because you’re not dead.”

“Observant as always.” Michael said dryly.

“Shut up.” Jeremy laughed despite himself. “I’m trying to have a moment.”

“Sap.”

“Be serious.” Jeremy scolded, though it was light-hearted. “I just...I was so scared when I heard what you’d tried to do. Like I said, everyone told me you were alright, but a horrible part of me thought it was a lie. I’ve never been more scared in my life, not knowing how things were going to turn out. My heart physically hurt.”

“I’m sorry.” Michael whispered.

“Stop it. Don’t apologise. You have nothing to apologise for.” Jeremy insisted. “It’s me. Alright? We’ve already clarified that.”

“Yeah.” Michael sighed a little. Again, he wouldn’t be able to argue.

“I know I made a huge mistake. I wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted to see me again.”

“Evidently I do, considering you’re here.” Michael pointed out. Jeremy shot him a look but the effect failed when he laughed again. “So yeah, I fucked up big time. But you’re my favourite person. I shouldn’t have forgotten that. So...do you wanna be best friends again?”

A wide grin spread over Michael’s face.

“Oh, Jeremy. You’re such an idiot. We never stopped.”

This time, it was fond. 

* * *

Recovery isn’t easy. Ask anybody. Recovery is a long and hard road that people walk at different paces. Speed doesn’t equal ease. Slow walkers weren’t necessarily taking longer to work through things. It depended on the person. It was different for everyone.

Michael Mell walked the road to recovery and he didn’t walk it alone. He had his mums, his non-immediate family, Jeremy and Jeremy’s friends. 

He wouldn’t call Jake, Jenna, Rich, Brooke, Chloe and Christine his friends but they were good company, all things considered. They didn’t made things worse, which was nice. 

Things with Jeremy were uncertain at first, but they got stronger as time went on. Michael was back with his favourite person in the whole world and he had someone to rely on when he couldn’t rely on himself. 

Michael walked his road slowly, taking his time to make sure he was alright with things before he moved on to the next leg of the journey. It was better to be safe than sorry. He didn’t want to rush into things and find out that he hadn’t been ready.

He never wanted to end up in a place where he thought dying was the only out, ever again. He was past that now. The future was clear to him, in a way that it had never been before.

And though Michael could say that he’d gotten so far in his journey of recovery because of his mums, and Jeremy, he knew that there was only one person who was responsible for him even being on the road at all. 

A security guard, who Michael hadn’t seen since the hospital visit, and probably wouldn’t ever see again. But that was okay. There two brief meetings made up for all the lost time.

* * *

“Michael, are you ready or not?” Jeremy yelled from the room over.

“It’s just a quiz night. We don’t have to arrive on time!” Michael yelled back. 

“Yes we do!” Jeremy insisted loudly. “What’s taking so long?”

“I can’t find my glasses!”

“I bet their on your head!”

“...”

“Knew it!”

Michael burst out of his room, glasses perched on his nose and usual red hoodie in place. 

“We’re so gonna own this quiz.” He laughed, slinging an arm around Jeremy’s shoulder and ruffling his hair. 

“And here I thought we were gonna be cool in college.” Jeremy leant into the side hug. 

“Quizzes  _ are _ cool.”

“Touche.” 

“Come on.” Michael tugged Jeremy to the door. “I can’t wait.”

Jeremy followed with a smile. There’d been a time where he thought he and Michael were never going to make it to college. But they were there now, and things couldn’t be better.

“I love you.”

“Dude, I love you too.”

Michael was glad he could say it. 

He was so damn glad to be alive.

* * *

Years later, down the track, if you asked Alexander Marley what was a memory that had stuck with him, he’d tell you it was the feel of soft red cotton between his fingers.

If you were to ask Michael Mell, he’d tell you something about playing video games. But he’d be lying. In reality, a memory that refused to leave Michael alone was the day he tried to die.

And failed.

The reason that memory stuck with him was because it had a chance to.

Because someone saved him. 

And then everyone else joined in. 

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this in between other fics I'm struggling with. It felt good to just write and write and get this out. That being said, there's probably a bunch of mistakes. Please let me know if u see any.
> 
> Hope this is in character, bc this is my first fic for this. Please don't be afraid to comment and leave kudos, they really encourage and support me and help me to keep writing. Let me know if u want more stuff like this! xoxo


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